魔界 週間 Hell Week
by tikinottyki
Summary: By Psyche. Sequel to 'Awkward Temptation': Toushirou's dreams are back, more real than ever before. Kusaka... Ichigo... Each dream ends with his own death, making him fearful, even pushing away from Ichigo. At the end, he realizes just how wrong he was.
1. Introduction: Silent Dreams

It began with darkness. Alone, and for the first time in a long time, I felt afraid. Afraid of what might happen next, afraid of being alone. Even though my eyes were open, I saw nothing; while I reached out my hands, I felt nothing; though my head felt like it was going to explode from sound, everything was silent.

_This has to be a dream,_ I thought to myself. _It has to be…_

There was light, dim and far off in the distance, but there was a light nonetheless. As I made my way towards it, there was a sound, a soft voice calling for me.

"Toushirou…"

The voice was so familiar, and yet, so distant. I couldn't put a name to it, no matter how many times it called out to me. The light grew brighter, nearly blinding me as I escaped the darkness. A hand reached out to me, and when I looked up, I gasped at the familiarity of the smiling face and dark purple eyes.

"Kusaka?!"

My old friend's smile became brighter, making the light around him seem dull. "Toushirou… it took you this long to notice me?"

I watched in horror as the scar began to form over the right side of his face and blood dripped from his forehead and his lips. There was a new sound; a dripping. I looked to the ground, my eyes widening at the pool of blood that spilled from the wounds that stained his kimono. "Kusaka…" I muttered with fright. "You're bleeding."

Kusaka still smiled warmly as he replied. "I know. You did this to me. You remember, don't you?"

Drawing back my hand, I realized he had a firm grip on it; as I struggled, the grip became tighter around my thin wrist. "Kusaka, you're hurting me!" I cried.

"Trust me, Toushirou," Kusaka replied. "This is nothing compared to what you did to me." With his free hand, Kusaka drew Hyounimaru from its sheath, holding the ice cold blade to my neck. "Now… it's your turn to pay for your sins."

I closed my eyes and gritted my teeth. _Someone, please… help me. This has to be a dream… but it's too real… someone… Ichigo…_

"Ichigo!"

The light shattered as I cried out. Kusaka's painful grip released its hold as my friend disappeared into the darkness. I was alone again in the dark, back where I was before. Turning, I saw him standing behind me. Ichigo. A look of concern spread on his face as I ran to him.

"Toushirou… what's wrong?"

I didn't reply, but clung to his black kimono, letting the tears fall like never before. A large hand rested gently on my head, giving me the warmth and comfort of knowing he was truly there.

"Ichigo… Don't leave me… Don't you dare ever leave me," I bawled, my words muffled by the kimono.

"Don't cry, Toushirou. Everything's going to be okay."

The words seemed empty for reasons I didn't know; I looked up to his eyes, searching for any emotion. There was none. "Ichigo… something's different about you."

His kimono and skin turned deathly white as his hand clamped down on a fistful of hair. Yellow eyes bored down at me while a blue tongue moistened the white lips. "You idiot," this new Ichigo stated. "I'm not that suck up who fucks with you every night."

When I began to back away, the Hollow pulled me by my hair, making me wince. "Ichigo, let go of me!" I shouted, not out of fright, but out of anger.

Ichigo grinned. "Why're you afraid of me? While that selfish bastard's been having all the good stuff, I've been left in the dark. Since I can't fully control him, I'll just take away the most cherished thing that bastard's got!"

I gasped and threw my head back in pain as the familiar feeling of a blade being driven in paralyzed me. Looking down, I saw the katana, deeply rooted in my gut; the blood that dripped onto the white blade shone brightly in Ichigo's yellow eyes. "Yes…" he whispered huskily. "Die."

The blade pulled out and the hand let go; for a few seconds, I stood frozen, staring blankly up to Ichigo as warm blood filled my throat and trickled down my lips. "Why…"

I fell back into darkness, the fall feeling like an eternity. When I finally did land, I splashed into a large pool of blood. As I lay dying, I feel the thick liquid seeping into my clothing and hair. My skin becomes stained with it. My vision turns red before I realize that I'm sinking, drowning. Before my face went under, I saw the Hollow turn away from my dying form… I had never felt so rejected.

_"Ichi…go…"_


	2. Savior

"Ichigo!"

I jolted awake, my chest rising and falling heavily as I fought to catch my breath. With a relieved sigh, I lowered my head, running my fingers through my sweat soaked hair.

_It was only a dream…_

Then why did it seem so real? The katana… I felt the blade driving into me, and the blood that seeped through the wound and pooled at my feet was all too real. Like an idiot, I reached up under my shirt and felt for the scars that may be there; there were none.

"… Kusaka…"

I didn't understand it; why was Kusaka there? Was he trying to torment me? Yes, I had been haunted by him for years, but ever since Ichigo and I laid his soul to rest almost a year ago, he hadn't appeared. Why now?

There were too many questions running through my head, too many to answer. I rose out of bed, fearing that this too may be a dream. Reaching the sliding door, I peered through the thin material to see moving shadows as my squad rose for the day.

"This really isn't a dream, then…" I muttered as I unfolded my white haori and pulled it over my shoulders. The black kimono I left folded on the floor; somehow, I didn't feel like working today.

My squad looked surprised when I came out of my room dressed in only a plaid pair of shorts, a white wife-beater, socks, and my haori. As I made my way to Motsumoto's quarters, I heard the other shinigami whispering among themselves, turning their eyes towards me.

"Motsumoto…" I called softly, knocking on the wood panel by her sliding door. It wasn't long before she answered, her hair pulled up in curlers and a container of nail polish in her hand.

"Oh, taichou! You look awful!" she commented upon first seeing me. "What happened? Are you sick? You didn't sleep well, did you? How come you're so death-like lately?"

I stared blankly back at her, the plethora of questions hurting my head more. "I'm not sick; I'm tired," I replied dully. "I'm taking today off to speak with Unohana. Would you mind running things around here for a day?"

A grin spread on my fukutaichou's face. "You're going to visit Kurosaki, aren't you?"

I gave her a harsh glare before replying, "No. I need to talk to Unohana. The…" Here, I sighed. "The truth is my dreams are coming back. I have questions only she can answer."

Motsumoto nodded in understanding. "Hai," she replied. "You need a break, taichou. I can handle things here."

I gave a weak smile. "Thanks," I said before turning to leave.

"Ano… taichou?"

"Hm?"

Motsumoto did a full body scan of me with her eyes. "You're not wearing _that_ around Seireitei… are you?"

Looking down at my clothes, I realized I did look pretty sloppy. "Why not?" I asked in return. "You said I should have a break."

"Ano… okay…"

The crisp air outside may have chilled any other person, but not me. It was almost comical watching shinigami from other squads bundled in warm clothing, and then there was me, walking around in socks. I didn't understand why people didn't like the cold; every time it snowed, I felt at peace. I could sit for days on the roof of my headquarters, watching the snow fall and catching the flakes in my hand. In my opinion, that was my ideal day.

"Is Unohana taichou in?" I asked upon reaching the fourth squad's headquarters.

"She should be," the boy, Hanatorou, replied shakily. "I'll have to check and see." Then his tone changed. "Um, Hitsugaya taichou, why are you dressed like that?"

"I'm on break."

Hanatorou gave me another questioning look. "Didn't you just come back from one? At the beach?

My memories and thoughts raced back to that week that seemed such a long time ago: Ichigo sharing his food with me, Ichigo saving me from those drunks, Ichigo comforting me when I woke up crying, Ichigo caressing me in his arms, Ichigo…

"I have to call him…"

"Nani?"

I caught Hanatorou giving me a confused blank stare, his mouth slightly ajar. "Nothing," I replied hastily. "It's just… your question reminded me of something I have to do."

"Oh," Hanatorou muttered. "Glad to help?"

A soft patter of sandaled feet caused me and Hanatorou to look up, seeing Unohana standing at the doorway. "Hana-chan," she said soothingly. "Are we keeping Hitsugaya taichou waiting?"

Hanatorou looked sheepishly to the ground. "I didn't mean to; it won't happen again," he muttered slowly, his cheeks turning red with embarrassment.

Unohana only patted him on the shoulder. "You've worked hard today; take a short break."

"Hai! A-arigatou!"

_No wonder everyone loves Unohana… she's kind, thoughtful, gentle… everything I'm not, _I thought to myself.

"Is something the matter, Hitsugaya taichou?"

I felt my face warm; the woman, despite her looks, was a psychic. "I'm fine," I replied quickly. "It's just that… I need to ask you a few questions."

Unohana nodded, extending her hand towards the back of the building. "I had a feeling you would come by today, so I set out some tea. I'll be sure Isane closes off the back."

Once we were seated and the boiling hot tea had been poured, I relaxed somewhat; something about the herbal garden in the backyard of the Fourth Squad headquarters made me feel at peace. After taking a long sip of tea, I laid down the truth: my dreams, the case I had been working on before vacation, the drunks, even Ichigo (I felt it necessary to leave out the details). Unohana didn't take her eyes off me for a second; compassion filled them as I ended, leaving off at the last nightmare.

"It sounds to me," she began after a long moment of silence, "that you fear what your love might do to him; you're afraid he'll end up like Kusaka."

"But I don't want to do that to him," I replied shakily. "Other than Hinamori, Kusaka was my only friend; when he died, I couldn't stop beating myself up about it. And Ichigo…" My voice trailed off into silence; looking down to my hands, I noticed my fingers were nervously clutching the cup of tea.

_If Ichigo was to die… I don't know what I would do with myself…_

Unohana looked away towards the garden, saying, "I understand that you don't want Ichigo getting hurt because of you. But if you two went through hard times together, wouldn't that make your relationship stronger?"

I nodded in understanding. "I thought about that, but in all honesty, how can we become stronger together if I'm still afraid of him?"

For the first time, Unohana gave me a slightly startled look. "Why be afraid of him? What has he done to hurt you?"

"Nothing," I replied. "Every time I'm with him, he's become so much more… enjoyable. It's… the Hollow… I saw it in my dream, and I'm afraid I might do something to draw it out."

Unohana went silent, staring off into space. I waited patiently, casually taking sips of tea; after all this, I began to wonder what she thought of me. The overly strict taichou… gay? Then she turned to me, a soft smile on her face.

"Go to him," she said calmly. "Ask him these questions… and if he responds the ways you want him to, don't worry about a thing."

o.O

"Come on baka, pick up…" I muttered into the cell phone. The dull ring vibrated in my ear a few more times before there was a click.

"Moshi moshi?" came the familiar voice at the other end.

"Baka, pick up your phone earlier next time," I stated playfully.

"Neh? Toushirou! H-how did you get my number?"

"Renji," I replied.

"… how did he get it? This is a new phone."

"Like I would know."

"Well, besides that, what's up? You haven't talked to me, in like… a month."

I balanced the phone on my shoulder as I tied my hakama to my waist. "I've been really busy lately; I'm beginning to lose sleep."

Sigh. "How many times do I have to tell you not to stay up so freakishly late?" came Ichigo's droning voice. "It's not good for you."

"I know that," I stated. "I was actually over at Unohana taichou's place; she told me to take a vacation."

"But we just came back from one."

"What are you doing this week?"

I heard Ichigo laugh. "So that's really what this is about… you miss me."

"So what if I do? You're the only one I know who would let me crash at your place," I said; for once, I was glad Ichigo wasn't there to see me blush.

"What about Inoue?"

"Her cooking sucks."

"Sado?"

"Too quiet."

"Uryuu?"

"Hell no!"

"Urahara-san?"

"That Jinta kid pulled my hair, and Tesai creeps me out."

"Hm… so I'm the only one left, huh?" Ichigo growled.

"Yeah," I replied. "Besides, would you like it if someone else tried to get to me?"

"Whadya mean?"

_This baka was clueless…_

"You know exactly what I mean," I purred.

"God… I hate you with a burning passion… fine; the family's out of town until tomorrow, so I'm house sitting for them."

"You have a place of your own?" I asked, shocked.

"Yeah… had one for a while now."

"But you're only seventeen!"

"So?" Ichigo asked. "I can live on my own, and we don't have to worry about Dad finding out about us."

"…uh-huh…"

"So, when're you coming by?"

"Now."

With a smirk, I hung up the phone and slid it into the pouch of my sleeve. I strapped Hyourinmaru to my back, tightening the buckle over my chest. As I walked towards the entrance of the Tenth Squad Headquarters, I gave a slight nod to Motsumoto, who stood at her door.

"We'll miss you, taichou!" she called as she waved goodbye. "Come back safe! And tell Kurosaki hi for me!"


	3. Home

"When you said now, I didn't think you meant… NOW!"

I looked up to Ichigo, whose hair was dripping wet; a loose shirt stuck to his wide shoulders and torso and his boxers clung to his hips. "Did I get you at a bad time?" I asked sarcastically.

"Hell yeah!" Ichigo replied. "I was in the middle of a shower when you knocked!"

I narrowed my eyes. "Wow, way to be a jerk when you open the door," I muttered.

Ichigo sighed, covering his face with the towel. "I'm sorry… I've kinda had a bad week..."

"You didn't sound bad on the phone," I replied.

Thin lips, a nose, and chocolate eyes peered out from under the wet towel. "Well, after you hung up, Rukia called to tell me that Yamamoto freak-beard won't allow me to come to Seireitei until I get control of myself."

_Control? Of what? Could it be the Hollow?_

"What happened?" I asked. "What did you do to make the chief taichou question your abilities?"

To pawn off the question, Ichigo pulled open the door further. "It's nothing, don't worry about it. Come on, get inside. Aren't you cold?"

I stepped inside, the warm air of the house almost overwhelming. "I preferred the cold…" I muttered, unstrapping Hyourinmaru and setting the katana against the wall.

"I'm sorry, I like it hot," the red-head replied as he tossed the towel into the laundry. "You can wear some of my stuff, if you get too hot."

"… Ichigo, you're bigger than me…"

"Then wear something of Karin's… or Yuzu's, even."

"They're girls…"

A smug grin spread on his face, his eyes glittering as he whispered, "Well then, I guess that means you have no other options left."

I smirked, reaching into my sleeve and pulling out a credit card. "Just because I'm younger than the other taichous doesn't mean I don't get paid," I replied. "If you're up to it, I need to get some gifts for the others while I'm here."

Ichigo's eyes watched the card, a strange expression spreading on his face. "I never knew you were one to shop," he stated.

Scowling slightly, I placed the card back in my sleeve. "I'm not. It's just a tradition for the Gotei Thirteen to give gifts to the other squad leaders; does your family not celebrate Christmas?"

Shrugging, Ichigo looked away to the tree set up in the living room. "We do, it's just… interesting. I know the girls like the presents he gets them, but I think it saddens Dad that Mom's not there to give them her own presents; Dad… he doesn't really understand Karin or Yuzu that well."

"… because they're girls?"

"Yeah."

I sighed, removing my sandals and setting them by the door. "I don't blame him; his oldest child is a son, and man can't understand woman; trust me, I gave up on comprehending Motsumoto a long time ago," I muttered. "It's just a natural balance of life."

Ichigo slumped by the kitchen counter, propped up by his elbows. "Except it's worse in this case; the girls and I don't have a mother to look after us, so Dad has been trying to make up for that missing piece for years," he replied, his eyes cast down to his feet.

_A missing piece?_

I closed my eyes in deep thought, the phrase echoing through my ears.

That missing piece… was there some way to fill up that hollow place? Could I help, after he helped me to conquer my own fears and hurts?

"Neh, Ichigo."

His eyes looked up from the floor to me, muttering, "Hm?"

"Did you or your Dad get the girls presents?"

He sighed, craning his neck to look up to the ceiling. "Well, I haven't yet, but I don't know if Dad has. Why?"

I shook my head. "Nothing, just curious. What're you gonna get them?"

Ichigo smiled, nodding to a magazine flipped open on the couch. "I'm ordering Karin a pair of boxing gloves and Yuzu some designs for her sewing kit… don't tell me I don't know my sisters."

"So…" I mumbled, crossing my arms, "Karin is the athletic type and Yuzu the epitome of a girl?"

"Yep."

"…I need to change…"

Ichigo's brow furrowed and his arms tensed. "Eh?! After I just told you half of my family's issues, you want to go change?!"

I silenced him by pressing a finger to his lips. "You'll understand later on."

_Honestly, I couldn't tell him I was going to help… If he knew, would he be angry?_

His brow unfurrowed and his eyes softened. "Sorry…" he whispered when I pulled back my hand. "I shouldn't have yelled at you; it's just…"

"You've had a bad week… I understand," I interrupted. I hesitated slightly before reaching behind his neck and pulling his face down so as to lightly press my lips to his. "Let me help…"

Strong arms wrapped around me as Ichigo drew me into his chest, his face burying into my shoulder. "God… I missed you…"

"I've missed you too…" I whispered. "Now… let go of me… You're getting my haori wet…"

"Sorry…"

In the downstairs bathroom, I balanced my phone between my shoulder and ear as I slipped off the white haori and black kimono. I grumbled in annoyance as the phone dial tone vibrated in my ear. "Motsumoto, answer the frickin' phone…"

"Oi, taichou! I didn't expect you to call this soon!" came the high pitched sqee of my fukutaichou.

"Why, were you not doing paperwork or something?"

"Well… you could say that…"

My eyes narrowed as I studied myself in the mirror, straightening out the creases of the outfit I had on under the kimono. "Motsumoto… I thought you said you'd take care of things."

"I am, I'm just… having a short break."

Twitch. "Izuru and Shuuhei are there, aren't they?"

There were some mutterings in the back ground as the two other fukutaichous swore under their breaths. Motsumoto chuckled nervously. "Honestly, taichou, I thought you wouldn't know…"

I sighed as I tightened the belt around my waist. "I actually had a reason for calling you, you know."

"Hm? What's that?"

"What do girls like? For presents, I mean."

"Hmm…" came the drone of my fukutaichou's thinking tone. "Well… dolls and makeup… new clothes… nail polish… perfume, things like that. Why?"

"One, those aren't exactly what I need, and two… I'm surprising the Kurosaki girls for Christmas."

"AWW! That's so sweet, taichou! Doing everything to impress your Ichigo…"

"Shut up! No, that's not what I'm doing! I… just need help understanding things like that, that's all…" I muttered.

"Well, knowing Karin… maybe boxing gloves?"

"Ichigo's already getting that for her."

"Damn, I thought I had something… She likes soccer, doesn't she?"

"Yeah," I replied, thinking back to that day I joined Karin's team against the group of older kids.

"Maybe she'd like a new soccer ball. Something with color! Maybe something with red flames, or even dragons on it. She'd like that, neh?"

I smiled at the thought. "She would. What about Yuzu?"

"Taichou, exactly who are you doing this for?"

"…Ichigo's Dad."

"Ooooh…" Motsumoto muttered. "Because he doesn't understand girls?"

I couldn't help but smirk. "Motsumoto, you read my mind."

"That's a good thing, right?"

"No, not really."

"Yuzu…. Hmm… I don't know her as well… maybe… a plushie!"

"That's Kon's job."

"Eww… she likes that perverted little freak as a toy?"

I sighed. "I know, she has strange interests… I know she likes to cook… maybe some cooking ware?"

"Not just any cooking ware, taichou," my fukutaichou stated slowly, "but a formal Japanese tea set, with flowers. Like the set Unohana taichou has."

"Do you know how much that'll frickin' cost me?!"

"You're doing this for Ichigo, so it doesn't matter. Tata!"

Click.

_Damn it, Motsumoto, you're costing me a fortune. _

Though, maybe she's right… maybe I am doing this for Ichigo, and only using his father's lack of womanly thought as a cover up. I smiled gently as I stuffed the phone in my back pocket. What would Ichigo think… to know that I cared this much for his well-being?

And that's when I thought this to myself: How long _had _I been caring?

"Damn, I didn't think you could take any longer changing; who were you on the phone with?" Ichigo asked as I waltzed back into the living room. He was leaning against the couch, wearing faded cream colored jeans, a maroon t-shirt, and an open black sweatshirt rolled up to his elbows

I played stupid. "No one," I lied. "I had to piss, got a problem with that?"

"Whatever…" he sighed, turning his head towards the door. "So are we going, or what?"

"Yeah. But do you think we could stop by Urahara's? I need to pick up my gigai."

Ichigo smiled down to me as he opened the door. "Sure, but I really want to see people's reactions to their merchandise floating around the store."

I narrowed my eyes. "Haha, very funny," I stated as I lightly punched his arm.

He drew back quickly, but I could still feel it. The turmoil of his soul. Something was wrong… Even though the contact between his arm and my knuckles was weak, I felt as if I was about to be thrown back against the wall. Wrong… something was wrong with him… His spirit had rejected me, but I knew Ichigo the shinigami wanted me there. But what of Ichigo the Hollow?

"Toushirou, are you okay?" he asked, bending down to my height when he noticed my wide eyes and the paralyzed state I was in.

"Yeah…" I gasped. "It's just… cold…"

Ichigo looked outside and smiled as snow fell from the cloudy sky. "Yeah, it is," he replied, zipping up his sweatshirt and rolling down the sleeves. "You must be insane, walking out there without only jeans and a t-shirt."

I looked down to my clothes and shrugged. "So? I like the cold."

"But you said you were freezing."

"I didn't say that. I just said it was cold," I replied.

He rolled his eyes playfully and walked out. "Have it your way."


	4. My Obsession

_I'm sooooo sorry I haven't updated in so long! School is just torture; DEATH TO PHYSICS AND ALGEBRA!!!! Anyways, after many sleepless nights of doing homework and not working on fanfics (I admit, I've been typing stories in the middle of school… I'm so bad, I know) school is almost over which means less homework which means more time for fics! Anyway, enjoy reading!_

"God, I'm tired…"

With keys held between his teeth, Ichigo was barely able to twist the knob and open the door. "I'm thorry," he said through the bit of metal.

After picking up my gigai from Kisuke, we spent all day at the Karakura mall, window shopping and what not; for lack of detail, we basically walked for about five hours. With a sigh, I dropped the bag of clothes I had bought on the couch and rolled my shoulder. "Damn, I always hated this thing," I muttered. "It feels so tight and hurts like hell."

"The gigai?"

I glared up to Ichigo, brow arched. "No, baka, my pants," I growled with sarcasm. When he rolled his eyes in return, I smirked. "Pervert, you were waiting for it to be my pants."

A smile spread on his thin lips. "Maybe…" Then he looked down to the bags of merchandise that weighed heavily on his arms. "So, do you really need all of this shit?" he asked, setting the bags on the kitchen counter.

I looked to him from over my shoulder, shrugging. "Not really; the majority of that are presents for the Gotei Thirteen; with it being almost Christmas, I'm forced to buy them stuff."

Ichigo rummaged through one of the bags, pulling out a few items and studying them quizzically. "Let me guess, Rangiku?" he asked when he held up a large, pink laced bra.

"Meh… it's about time she got one…"

"How did you manage sneaking this passed me?"

"… I have my ways…"

"… it's pink…"

"Would you rather it be pink and she look like a Barbie in it, or it be black and her look like a whore?"

"… those are pretty much the same thing to me."

"Whatever…"

The red-head cocked an eyebrow as he set the lingerie back in the bag. "Who's this for?"

My eyes widened as he held up a white box. "Be careful with that!" I half-shouted.

Cautiously, Ichigo set the box on the counter, eyeing it suspiciously. "Will it kill me if I shake it?" he asked.

"No, but I will," I sighed in relief. "It's for Unohana taichou, to show her my appreciation and thanks for giving me the idea to come down here."

"What is it?"

"A china tea set."

Ichigo's face twisted in confusion. "How the hell are you sneaking all this crap in without me noticing?!"

"… it's not that hard… you're ignorant of a lot of things…"

"Really now?"

"… really…"

He leaned over the back of the couch, over my head. "Such as?" he asked as he ruffed up my hair playfully.

I closed my eyes and leaned back against the couch, enjoying every second of his long fingers running through my hair. "Well, first the bra and then the tea set," I answered slowly.

"And then?" he asked as his hands moved from my head down the back of my neck to my shoulders, kneading at the muscles.

"… then the lube…"

His hands stopped. I guessed he paused to look back to the bags. "Huh… I didn't see that in there," he whispered, moving his hands over my collar bones and chest.

Before I could open my mouth to list off another example of his ignorance, smooth lips suckled at the side of my neck, drawing a surprised gasp. I craned my neck, allowing Ichigo to continue down. "Then… there was… the…"

"Don't try to continue…" he whispered into my hair. "You'll only waste energy."

"… fine… just don't stop…"

I felt Ichigo take a hold of the end of my shirt and pull it up over my head before tossing it to the floor. When his cold finger tips traced circles on my stomach, I couldn't help but shiver from sheer delight. "What would you do… if I stopped?" he asked the moment he pulled his hands away.

"I'd fucking kill you."

I let out a sigh of relief when he came around the couch to my side, sitting close beside me. "But then if you did that, I wouldn't be around to comfort you like this," he breathed before gently pushing me down into the pillows and claiming my lips. My pale fingers dug through his hair as I pressed in, meeting him half-way in the kiss. He sucked lightly at my bottom lip before slipping his tongue in and meshing it alongside my own.

_God… I'm addicted… this touch… it was so much like before… tender and yet firm, like he would never let go…_

When he pulled away, I let out a disgruntled moan. "Baka…" I rasped, "I told you not to stop…"

A sly smile spread on his lips. "Who said I was stopping?" he asked. "God, you have no idea how long I've been dreaming of this."

My brow raised. "You dream of me now?"

"Wet ones," he replied with a smirk.

_Dreams… if only my dreams of him were more than a virtual world… if only they were more than the frightful scenes and torturous pain they caused me… if only… if only they were like this…_

"Nuea…" I threw my head back against the pillow, muttering and gasping unintelligible words as Ichigo's strong finger tips ran slowly down my shoulder blades and back as he lightly nibbled at my neck and collar bone, chest to chest. My eyes closed as I drank in every emotion, every touch. My back arched as Ichigo's fingers moved slowly further down as I felt him lift off me.

Then I felt it; warm drops of liquid on my chest. I felt the hands stop and the sound of Ichigo drawing in his breath in a gasp. "Hey," I muttered, opening one eye, "why'd you stop?"

I held my own breath when Ichigo lifted one of his hands from my back to his nose; blood oozed slowly from the gaps of his fingers. His brow was furrowed in confusion, and his hand trembled slightly. "I… don't know what happened," he stated, his voice muffled by his hand.

Raising myself on my elbows, I tilted my head. "Were you blushing?" I asked.

"No," he replied as he stood and walked to the kitchen. "It just randomly happened." He pulled a rag from a kitchen drawer and held it to his bleeding nose. "I'm sorry."

"Don't worry about it," I said.

_Of course, I did worry about it. One, we were in the middle of playtime, and two, I couldn't help but feel a little concerned when he starts randomly bleeding… _

I looked down to my chest, staring with wide eyes at the red drops of blood that shined on my chest. His blood.

_What the hell is going on?_


	5. Death of Me

_Warning: there are clowns in this scene. Those who are afraid of clowns or may become afraid of clowns must take extra caution reading. Sorry. This dream sequence is based on a dream one of my friends had actually; she couldn't sleep for about a week afterwards..._

Water pooled at my feet, slowly rising as I hesitantly walked through the darkness. Towering above me stood pillars, very much like the ones that held up the gates at Seireitei's borders. On the platforms of each pillar, however, hunched over like snarling gargoyles were clowns, their unmoving eyes staring down at me. I watched them with narrow eyes, searching for any movement. I never was afraid of clowns, but now as I was surrounded by them, I couldn't help but feel the fear to begin to rise in my chest and force my fingers to tremble.

Why was I here, anyway? I couldn't be sleeping again; the water that now lapped against my ankles felt cold and all too real. The darkness engulfed my hand every time I reached out for something to cling to. And then there was always the feeling of being watched. I looked over my shoulder, thinking I saw one of the clowns turn away quickly.

_This is stupid, I_ thought to myself, _it's just a bunch of children's games…_

That's when I noticed one of them move. He stood slowly, a maniacal, toothy grin spreading on his pointed face. The white and red makeup along his brow made him appear to be wide eyed, staring down at me with sharply raised eyebrows. His head tilted slightly when I stopped, making his grin appear all the more crooked.

I glared up at him, my eyes unmoving; he didn't scare me, not in the least. Or that's what I thought. Why didn't I simply ignore him and continue on my way?

Before I came up with a response to these questions, the standing clown raised his half-gloved hand, revealing cracked and splintered fingernails. Bringing his thumb and middle finger together, a loud _snap _echoed in the darkness. Then he disappeared, but that wasn't what horrified me.

The crouching clowns, unmoving up till now, fell through trap doors beneath their pointed red shoes, coming to a sickening, sudden stop by the nooses tied around their necks. Then, they were no longer clowns. My eyes widened as I yelled and fell back into the water, now rising mid-calf. Just ahead of me, with a pale face and wide, unmoving blue eyes, was my fukutaichou. Her feet dangled mere inches from the water, and her arms swayed from side to side from the fall. And she just stared.

"Motsumoto?" I gasped, standing and drawing away from the limp, hanging form.

That's when I noticed the others.

Enclosing around me, with nooses tight around their necks and the same stare, were others I knew. Kira. Hisagi. My squad members. And that was only the beginning of them. I ran, pushing past the hanging dead only to be knocked down by another. I wanted out of here. I wanted this nightmare to end, or else I might be next. I wanted to live.

"Toushirou, stop!"

I did just that. I stopped to turn quickly to see someone walking towards me. For a brief second, I forgot my fear. "Ichigo…"

He smiled softly, extending his hands out to me. "Hey, it's okay. I'm here for you, Toushirou."

Just the way he said my name made all fear melt away. With tears streaming down my face, I waded through the knee-high water towards him. I didn't fight back the sobs when I threw my arms around him and buried my face in his chest. Nor did I stop my shoulders from shaking when I felt his arms around me. It didn't matter whether he was there or not; I would still be weeping.

"Shh, it's okay," I heard him whisper.

"No," I stammered. "It's not. They're all dead, and there's no bringing them back."

I felt his hand on my head, tilting my face to look up to his. "It's okay, Toushirou. After today, you won't feel pain or fear anymore."

My brow furrowed as I search his eyes for an explanation; there was none. "I… I don't understand. Why-"

I never did finish my question. With a calm expression, Ichigo grabbed me roughly by the shoulders and threw me down in the water, holding me under. I opened my mouth to scream only for the cold water to rush in, gagging me. My arms went numb at my sides as Ichigo's fingers clamped down hard on the nerves in my shoulders. Water splashed wildly as I thrashed my legs about and twisted my body in his grasp.

But he overpowered me.

Before long, my lungs felt as if they were about to burst. I could feel my movements become sluggish until there were none at all. I closed my eyes to erase the image of him holding me under. I didn't want to be angry with him, but why shouldn't I? Even as my muscles went lax and my struggle for air ceased, I couldn't bring myself to hate him.

Instead, I pitied him.


	6. Cuando

I woke with a start, only to find that when I inhaled deeply, I sucked in water. Lurching myself forward, I coughed and sputtered up water, my chest heaving. Looking down and around, I sighed in relief and leaned back.

_I'm awake… thank God, there're no clowns here…_

Somehow, someway, I had fallen asleep in the bath tub. No wonder I had drowned in my dream; I must have slipped below the waterline at some point. Only I didn't remember getting in the bath… nor did I remember falling asleep. Was my insomnia really that bad? Obviously, if I was dreaming about clowns and those closest to me hanging from ropes, it really was as bad as I thought.

"Toushirou, you okay?" came Ichigo's muffled voice at the door, along with a soft knock.

"Yeah, I'm fine," I replied. "Just slipped on my way out."

"Oh," came the reply. "Be careful; the floor can get kinda slippery, with or without water."

With a sigh, I pulled up the plug and sat watching the water as it was sucked down the water pipe, my knees to my chest. I waited as the water fell below my knees, then mid-calf, until finally the last drained away. Then I smiled nervously to myself. _It was only a dream… nothing more, nothing less…_

"Hey baka, where's your towels?" I called.

"Hey baka, they're above your head," was the reply.

I tilted my head back to see the rack of neatly folded towels above me. "Oh…"

With my hair now somewhat drier than before and the towel wrapped loosely around my waist, I emerged from the sauna-like bathroom and made my way to the guest bedroom, where I found my bags of clothes stacked on the bed. Ichigo leaned in the doorway, watching me sift through the bags for nightwear. When I looked at him from over my shoulder, I saw that his eyes were cast low, a saddened glint in the chocolate orbs. "Hey, you okay?" I asked before slipping on the plaid boxers and snapping them at my hips.

He shrugged, tilting his head back and forth as he searched for words. "Yeah," he half stated, half whined, "it's just I feel bad about earlier; I know neither of us wanted to stop, and then I started bleeding… I feel like a wuss…"

I smiled weakly at him. "Don't worry about it, baka. I know you're no wuss."

His head lifted slightly, his brow cocking. "Really?"

"Yeah; you're just high maintenance," I replied sarcastically.

"Hmph," he chuckled, lowering his head to hide the small smile. "Yeah, I guess you're right."

I tilted my head. Something didn't seem right about him; if he was so concerned about what happened earlier, then why didn't he make it up by pushing me on the bed now and having his way? Why didn't he just do something about it rather than mope? That wasn't the Ichigo I knew… that wasn't the Ichigo _anyone_ knew…

"Oi, Toushirou? You okay? You look like you went into some kind of googoo-gaga land there."

I shook my head to clear my thoughts. "No, I'm just thinking."

A small grin spread on his thin lips. "About what?"

"It's nothing of importance," I said, shrugging it off. "I'm just tired, that's all."

"From all the walking today?"

"Yeah."

His eyes scanned over to the clock just as it turned to 10:23. "It's not that late," he stated before looking back to me. "Wanna do something?"

"Like what?"

He shrugged. "I don't know; watch a movie, go to a club. You decide."

I sat on the edge of the bed, leaning back on my elbows and tilting my head to the side. A sly grin formed on my face. "We could just stay here, maybe play a game or something."

_He had better get this hint… if he doesn't, I'm gonna kill him…_

His brow cocked. "A game? What kind of game? Like a board game?"

"You know," I cooed in return, spreading my knees slightly. "Something… physical…"

_Dammit, baka, you'd better get it…_

"I know!" he exclaimed. "We should have some games in the closet. Let me look. We've got Twister, but that's a group game. Maybe something else?"

I narrowed my eyes and slumped my shoulders. The seductive grin I was wearing now fell into a scowl.

_Idiot… what the hell are you doing?!_

"Ichigo, that's not what I was talking about…"

A look of confusion spread on his face. "Neh? Then I don't get what you're hinting at."

I sighed in frustration and rolled away. "Just forget it…" I mumbled stuffing the pillow roughly under my head.

"Toushirou…"

"I said forget it!"

God, what the hell was going on here?! It's like all that emotion from that night at the beach had dissipated into nothing. Tender words were now idiotic questions, like he didn't know me. Not a month ago, everything he said made me melt inside, his calm and laid back actions made me blush; now, he had become an idiotic dope… What the hell? He wasn't like that on the phone earlier, and even when I first stepped in the house, he was the same from a month ago. What had happened in these past few hours? What made him change so much?

"Toushirou…"

I felt a heavy weight on the side of the bed and mumbled under my breath when he touched my shoulder. "I said forget it, Kurosaki…" I muttered before tucking my face between the pillow and my arm.

I felt his sad gaze on me. "Look, I don't want to be offensive, or anything, but I'm just not… feeling what you feel right now. After what happened earlier… I just don't want to disappoint you if it happens again. I… I only want to be what's best for you."

Turning to look over my shoulder, I saw that his chocolate eyes had softened, a hint of worry in his face. "If you had said that before, I would have understood," I said, rolling over on my other side to face him. "You had me concerned there for a while."

"There's nothing for you to worry about," he said, clasping his large hand over mine. "You look tired; I think you should go to sleep now." Then he leaned down, planting a soft kiss on my forehead. "If you need me, I'll be in the next room."

And then he was gone.

I felt so empty after his hand lifted off mine and he turned his back to leave. For the longest time, I just lay there, wondering. Hoping that he'd change his mind and come back. Hoping that he'd proclaim his love like before, claim me as his own like he did before, lay beside me as he did before.

But he didn't come back. All the time he was sleeping, I waited for him. And he never came.


	7. Dry Ice

_Some spoilers!! sorry!!!!_

"Toushirou-kun, I didn't expect to see you back so soon. Is something wrong?"

I looked up to the blonde shop keeper who had a grin the size of the Atlantic Ocean on his shadowed face. "No, nothing's wrong," I sighed. "It's just… I have a dilemma."

"Then it sounds like something's wrong. Come in, come in! I just sat down for tea. Want some?"

"Ano… sure?"

I followed Kisuke into the shop, passed the aisles and rows of merchandise. His clogs _clopped_ like a horse walking on concrete, and his clothing rustled as he put the paper fan away in his sleeve. "Just tell me if it gets too cold; I have the air on," he said at one point.

"I'm good."

He led me to the back room, where a large circular table was placed; already set out were two sets of tea. "It looks like you were expecting me, Kisuke…" I mumbled as I sat on the turquoise pillow set on the floor.

"How could I lie? I knew some time or another you would come by and ask me about your precious Kurosaki. Or about your gigai not fitting…"

I was baffled. "Nani?!" I exclaimed. "So… you know?"

One eye appeared from the shadow beneath his hat. "About what? That your gigai's been bothering you, or that you and Kurosaki-kun are lovers?

"The latter, damn it!"

He giggled like a school girl as he took his place at the table. "Oh, yes Toushirou-kun. About half of Seireitei knows. I'm surprised you haven't heard the rumors or gossips."

"How?!"

"A little birdie with strawberry blonde hair, a size M cup, and a bubbly personality told me," was the reply. "It nearly spread overnight."

My fukutaichou.

"I'm gonna kill her…"

"So, instead of balling your fists at your fukutaichou, why don't you tell me exactly what has been going on between you and Kurosaki? I'm curious and I want all the details."

My brow arched as I glared at the giddy shop keeper. "Kisuke… you're acting a little… strange today…" I mumbled.

"Today? Why not every day? I've never been told that I was normal; Hiyori even said I was the opposite of normal."

My white brow arched higher. "Hiyori?"

"My old fukutaichou; you don't know her. Now, spit it out, Toushirou-kun! I wanna know!"

I sighed, lowering my head to the side and casting my eyes low. Kisuke's tone changed immediately. "Oh, so it's that bad, huh?" he asked. "I didn't know a youth with such a finely tuned body and punk-kid personality would be bad at doing someone."

"It's not that!" I half shouted, half barked.

Kisuke's grin spread wider as he leaned forward on the table and folded his hands together. "Oh? So he's good at it, then."

"Kisuke, that's not what I'm here for. If you're not going to take me seriously, I'm leaving."

His grin fell, a look of seriousness now on his face. "So…" he said slowly, "if you're not here for sex tips, then you must be realizing the change in him, yes?"

How the hell did he know so much? I hadn't even been here for a day, and I thought I knew a lot. But this guy… how could he know so much personal information that _I _didn't even know?!

"… yes…" was all I could stammer.

"He doesn't seem to be all there? Quick changes in personality?"

"Exactly. It's like… he's a different person. And I didn't need a full day to figure that out."

Kisuke shrugged his shoulders. "Well, none of this happened overnight. He's been acting… out of the ordinary for quite some time now; even Sado and Inoue are concerned about him."

My eyes widened. "So… it's been going on for a while now? How come no one told me?"

The man opposite me nodded. "Kuchiki-chan began to worry when she heard about the change, so she told him not to exert any energy on Hollows. Yamamoto chief-taichou even got involved. About you not knowing, well…" his voice trailed and faded into nothing, making me worry even more about his answer. "We didn't want you to get involved when you were already having nightmares."

_So… he knew about those too…_

"Kisuke… how do you know all of this? Except for Unohana-taichou and Motsumoto, I haven't told anyone that the nightmares have continued."

The man muttered under his breath, almost as if he were collecting his thoughts, as he crossed his legs one over the other and reached for his tea. "Well, it's a strange turn of events, really," he began hesitantly. "You see, he's the cause of your nightmares. Am I right about that?"

I shrugged. "I wouldn't say that, necessarily. But yes, he's always in my dreams, always the one taking my life."

"That's what Unohana-taichou told me you told her," Kisuke continued. "She only told me about your dreams so I could keep an eye on you while you're here."

I narrowed my eyes and looked down. "It isn't me you should be worrying about…" I whispered.

"No?"

Looking up suddenly, I saw that Kisuke had shifted positions, an elbow resting on the table and he now shook his fan at me. Under the shadow of the green and white striped hat, I could see that his brow was furrowed and his hazel green eyes were narrowed. "Toushirou," he said with a dark tone, "it is because of your dreams that I should worry about you."

"Well?" I retorted. "Nothing would come of it. Ichigo would never do anything to hurt me… he's not the type of guy who would harm one of his own friends."

"Intentionally, that is."

I had to stop and think about Kisuke's comment. Intentionally? Did that mean… that Ichigo would harm someone… by accident? That wasn't like him at all. He would intentionally protect those he cherished and harm those who came against him. There was no 'accidental' bone in his body!

"I don't understand what you're saying," I stated carefully, drawing my arms together over my chest.

The man sighed, removing his hat and scratching at the sandy blonde hair. "Look, I'm trying to explain this as simply as possible," he drowned. "When I said 'intentionally', I didn't mean that Kurosaki would do something by accident. I meant that something other than the real him would purposefully do something, and yet Kurosaki wouldn't know it. For example, the Hollow. We all know that he has a wild Hollow side; that is what nearly destroyed him so many times before, so who's to know that it wouldn't try to destroy something else?"

My eyes widened. "Kuchiki-taichou… it nearly killed him," I stammered, thinking back to the days I first laid eyes on the red-head shinigami, who was my enemy at the time.

"Correct," Kisuke stated smoothly. "And let's not forget how it destroyed a high ranked Espada… does the name Schiffer Ulquiorra come into mind? And then there's the time his Hollow attacked the Quincy, and then Hiyori." He leaned forward, his eyes boring into mine. "No one is safe around him when Kurosaki is weak; that's when the Hollow comes out to play."

A cold sweat began to break out on my forehead. Even when I thought I had maintained my calm composure, I noticed Kisuke staring at my hand; it was shaking. "How do you know all this?"

"I've had my eye on him for a while," Kisuke continued after taking a sip of steaming hot tea. "But even I'm having a little trouble figuring out what caused this. I thought it was because of something during his time in Hueco Mundo, but… I never felt a change while he was gone."

"Except for the fact that he died," I said. (I remembered him saying something about that back at the hotel a month ago.)

"Twice, actually," Kisuke corrected. "But even then, nothing out of the ordinary occurred."

Looking down to the cup of tea set out for me, I sighed. "So… you haven't the faintest idea what's going on."

"Not at all. As soon as I come up with a hypothesis, I'll let you know."

Not even bothering to thank him for the tea, I stood and turned towards the door to leave. "Arigatou, Kisuke. At least I know I have someone to look to with answers," I said.

"Oi, Toushirou-kun," I heard him say. "Have you been leaking energy lately?"

I turned to look to him, shaking my head. "No, not that I'm aware. Why?" I asked in return.

The man shrugged. "Just curious."


	8. Falling into Black

I was home. Looking up to the Kurosaki house, I let out a sigh of relief. It felt good to be back; I might take a short nap or something… Either way, I was glad to be back. The windows were still dark, so I assumed Ichigo was asleep just as I had left him about an hour or so before.

_I hope he didn't know I was gone… I might have worried him…_

When I stepped foot in the Kurosaki house, I knew something was different. I didn't have to see or do anything; I could feel it in the air. And it weighed heavily on my soul, like a hard force pushing down on my shoulders and making my feet heavy like lead. For a second, I dared myself to walk inside, but when I saw that everything was normal, I sighed a heavy sigh of relief and walked past the threshold.

That was when I heard it:

"Toushirou! You're back? You… left?!"

I looked up from closing the door behind me to see Ichigo standing at the bottom of the stairway, a wild, disheveled look in his eye. "Yeah?" I asked with a cocked eyebrow. "I came into your room this morning and said I was leaving. You must have still been asleep."

"Where the hell did you go?! I woke up and came to your room to snuggle and shit, and you weren't fucking there!" he stammered, his long fingers running loosely through his hair in frustration.

I waited for him to stop hyperventilating before I answered, "I left a note on the kitchen counter in case you didn't hear me earlier; did you not see it?"

"No. I just came down from upstairs; I was calling your name over and over again; I even tried you on your cell, but then I found it off on the desk in your room."

"Baka, I'm fine. I just went over to Kisuke's; I had a few questions… about the gigai. Sorry that I worried you this much."

But my answer didn't suffice. Stomping over to me, he took me roughly by the shoulders and shook me, saying, "Don't you ever fuckin' do that again, you hear?! I was so goddamn worried about you; I don't know what I would do with myself if I lost you!"

His fingers dug harder and harder into my shoulders with each shake, making me wince. "Hey, you're hurting me," I began softly, like a small warning.

But he didn't stop. "God, you don't have any idea what you did to me. I knew with your dreams coming back, you might one day snap and do something, so when I saw you were gone, I thought you had gone off to kill yourself or something!"

I wrapped my hands around his wrists, forcing him to stop shaking me. "Ichigo, relax. I would never kill myself. Never. You're overreacting. I'm-"

Stopping mid-sentence, I looked down to his hand on my shoulder, then back up to face him. Something wasn't right. His skin was feverishly hot to the touch and beads of sweat had already begun dripping down his cheeks. "Ichigo… are you sick?"

His breathing was heavy now; something's not right. He never acted like this. He has to be sick; only that would make him become a feverish maniac… unless.

He chuckled nervously, his eyes going sad for a brief second before they blinked shut and opened bright again. Then he attempted to pawn it off: "What are you talking about? I'm fine," was his reply.

I pushed his hands away and reached up to feel his forehead. "Ichigo! You have to be sick! You're freaking burning up!"

At my touch, he suddenly fell away, his eyes gone wide and his muscles twitching. It was almost like watching a rabid animal being confronted with water. I was scared about what would happen next; I was scared for him.

_Dear God, let this be a dream I can wake up from… _

But it wasn't. I knew deep in my soul this was reality, and in reality, the one I cherished most seemed to cower at my very touch. "Ichigo, tell me what's going on!" I half shouted, half pleaded.

He didn't answer, but instead, turned away, holding a clammy hand to his forehead. I watched helplessly as he gasped for breath, his chest rising and falling heavily with each rasp. Sweat fell from him chin and dripped to the ground. With each tremble of his shoulder, I reached out to help… but he refused me.

"It's the Hollow, isn't it?" I asked finally.

His chocolate eyes scanned back to me, disillusioned and shaky. "I don't know why…" he muttered, "but it wants out. I could feel it this morning… when I began to worry about you. When I couldn't find you… I felt that something was draining the energy I had… and then this…" Then with a yell, he threw his weight against the wall, covering his face. "I can't hold it…" he rasped. "It's… too strong."

I reached out, my cold palm making Ichigo shudder as I touched his sweltering skin. "Please, let me do something. I'll get Kisuke, or Rukia. Let us help."

"No!" he shouted, drawing away from my hand. "Don't touch me!" Then his voice lowered, whispering, "I don't want it to hurt you…"

I took a step back, my eyes wide with fright. What could I do? He was in pain, utter disillusioned pain, and I so desperately wanted to help. I wanted to be there for him, to comfort him like he comforted me in my time of anguish.

But I couldn't be there for him, not this time.

"Ichigo," I whispered when he had let out another yell, more blood-curdling than the first. "Please…"

When I reached out to him again, he turned quickly and grabbed my wrist, throwing me against the wall. "Toushirou!" he shouted. "Can't you see you're the one doing this?! You're killing me!"

"Ichigo, let go!" I shouted as I fought to pull out of his painful grasp. "I'm not doing anything! I'm trying to help you!"

His eyes narrowed, a black cloud covering the whites while a sickening yellow filled the brown. "You just don't get it, do you?" he asked, a slight chuckle in his voice.

"Ichigo… stop this…" I pleaded, his fingers digging into my wrist.

"I would if I could," he said, "but you see, I'm not Ichigo. I'm his little friend, the one that saves his ass when he's about to be torn apart. As you can see, I only come out when he's most threatened, when I'm most threatened."

I gritted my teeth, daring myself to look into the black and yellow eyes. "He said… he suppressed you…" I hissed.

"'Suppressed me' my ass," came the reply. "He may have more control of me than he did before, but when he's about to die, so am I. I won't let that happen. And right now, you're the one causing us the most pain."

My eyes widened in fear, but mostly from guilt. _How? How was I doing this? I couldn't have… I only wanted what was best for Ichigo… for us!_ "Liar!" I shouted, kicking out against him and thrashing about in his grip. "Look at what I've done for him! I've helped support his family by getting his sisters gifts! Shit, he doesn't even know how much I care!"

He laughed. "You know, the more you struggle, the more it's gonna hurt," he rasped before twisting me halfway across the room and throwing me hard on my back. Blinding light flashed through my eyes as the back of my head fell heavily on the wood floor. I couldn't tell for sure, but I thought I felt something wet pasting my hair to my neck.

_Someone… please…_

"Watchya gonna do now, _Toushirou_?"

My name… he said it with such disgust, almost like it was a vile taste. Was I really this worthless to him? Enough to make his other half finish me off for him?

"No one can hear you scream," he continued as he shoved his knee down in my gut, knocking any and all wind from my lungs. I began to cough up a mixture of spit and foam, but even when he knew I was hurting like this, he didn't stop. "No one will see how I'm gonna fuck you up." Holding my hands roughly above my head with one hand, he began punching the living daylights out of me with his other. Every time I opened my mouth to yell for help, I was immediately cut short by either a fist to the jaw or temple. I felt blood begin to run slowly from my nose, and at one point, blood sprayed across the floor and wall after I was hit across the cheek.

_Anyone… help me…_

He stopped for a moment, his fist held at the ready over my face. Then he cackled, "You look so different covered in blood. Almost tasty."

I bit my bottom lip to keep from screaming; I could deal with the physical pain. But the backstabbing? The lying? The hate? All of these questions flooded my mind, overwhelmed my thoughts, and brought a whole new meaning to anguish. This was beyond what my father used to do to me in the past, all those years ago; no, this was different.

This was worse.

"It's really a shame I have to kill you; if you were no threat to me, then I would eat you up right now," he hissed.

My eyes widened at his words.

_Kill me? No, don't. Stop. Don't kill me, please. You have no idea how much you mean to me… I don't want to see you in pain once you realize what you've done._ "Ichigo…"

"For the last fuckin' time, I'm not Ichigo!!!"

Long fingers wrapped around my neck and pressed hard. I flaired out my arms and grabbed a head full of hair, now turned to white, and pulled. The Hollow let out a yell and twisted out of my grasp, in turn rolling the two of us across the hardwood floor. I clenched my teeth and curled back my lip as I fought back, clawing for anything to get me out of his death hold.

_I'm not going to die… not like my dreams… this time…_

_… I'm fighting back…_

As we rolled, I was able to slip from his throttle-hold and grab hold of his shirt collar, pressing against his neck with my elbow and sitting my weight on his chest. "I won't let you do this, Ichigo!" I shouted. "Get a hold of yourself, it's me! Toushirou! Remember? I'm TOUSHIROU!!!"

He seemed to go still, a faint of brown returning to his eyes. The wild, crazed expression dulled slightly, and the color began to return to his face. Then his eyes brimmed with tears. "T-Toushirou… I didn't… help me…"

I released my hold on his shirt and leaned back, wiping the blood away from my chin. "Ichigo… how could you do this?"

"… It's not me… please… don't be angry…"

"I… I hate you."

He stared blankly back up to me, his mouth gaping in confusion. "Tou-"

"Shut up!" I shouted as I stood. "I gave myself to you… and this is how you treat me in return? Blaming me for your weakness?"

His eyes widened. "Toushirou, I didn't say that!"

I left. Walked out of the house and ran as fast as I could, all the while I could hear Ichigo screaming my name in the distance. But I didn't care. I've been hurt too many times in the past by those who claimed they loved me.

I won't have it anymore.

I blindly turned a corner, I ran into a tall figure with long robes. Strong arms grasped my shoulders and tried to hold me still, but I still shouted and punched out, saying, "Let go of me!"

"Oi, oi! Toushirou-kun, relax. Don't you recognize a friend when you bump into one?"

I looked up at the familiar voice, my eyes widening at the sight of the green and white striped hat and sandy blonde hair. "Kisuke! What the hell do you want?"

His hold on my shoulders relaxed. "Taichou, you don't look too good. I was just on my way to Kurosaki's house, but obviously I was too late. I could feel your reiatsus all the way from my shop, so I figured something was up." Then he leaned down, taking a rag from the folds of his sleeves and wiping off my face with it. "Kurosaki did this, didn't he?"

"…yes…"

"I figured something like this might happen."

I looked up to him in confusion. "What do you mean? You knew this might happen?!"

"Toushirou-kun, I want you to relax. Sleep if you will."

Even as he said these words, I began to feel drowsy. "Kisuke… what was on that rag…?"

He smiled under the shadows of his hat. "Just a concoction I made. Don't worry, everything's going to be fine."

I swooned. My vision went black and I fell forward, caught by Kisuke's calloused hands. Before I completely faded, I couldn't help but mutter, "Ichigo… I…

… hate you…"


	9. Can't Take the Pain

Next I woke, I noticed every part of me ached and creaked. Sitting up stiffly, I let out a disgruntled moan and ran my fingers through my hair to ease the throbbing in my head. I looked around to see that I was no longer in the streets; I was elsewhere, a place that still etched so many distant memories in my mind.

"Oh, Toushirou-kun. You're awake."

At the sound of the familiar voice, I turned my head to see Inoue standing at the doorway, a tray of white rice and steaming noodles, in her hands. A look of relief softened her face, her eyebrows raising slightly and her hazel eyes closing. "I'm glad; you've been asleep for a while."

I rubbed at my tired eyes, muttering, "Why am I here?"

Inoue stopped to lay the tray of food at the foot of the bed. "Well, Urahara-san called me yesterday and asked if I could assist him with your care. You… you were pretty beat up."

"You healed my injuries?"

"Of course!" she replied. "I never let friends walk around bruised up and stuff!"

Even though my injuries were gone, and all the bruises I received were invisible, I could still feel them. Like a deep wound under the skin, one unseen but felt. All I could think about was what happened; as I recalled the previous night's events, I could feel each blow one after the other hitting me.

"Where is he?"

The girl looked startled at my question. "Kurosaki-kun? He's at Urahara-san's… I wasn't able to heal his injuries, though…"

_His wounds… all I did was pull his hair and press hard on his neck; his wounds were nothing compared to mine. The blood I lost was because of him…_

"Toushirou… he tried to commit suicide…"

I shot a glare at Inoue, whose eyes looked sadly at her folded hands. "Why should I give a damn? Look at what I gave up for him: my pride and dignity as a male, my past, my nightmares. He doesn't know this, but I even bought presents for his sisters this Christmas only because I knew he would appreciate it. And this is what I get in return? No, I don't care what the hell happens to him now."

Inoue was slow to respond. "I-I know you must feel betrayed, but that wasn't Kurosaki-kun. He would never do that, not even to an enemy. I remember," here, she lowered her voice to barely a whisper, "when I was held prisoner at Hueco Mundo. Ulquiorra never laid a hand on me, even though he had all the right and power to do so. He wasn't all everyone said about him…in that aspect, he was just like Kurosaki-kun."

I crossed my arms and looked away. "You know, I liked you better as a dunce," I grumbled.

She chuckled, a hint of nervousness. "I'm still quite an airhead; I don't understand a lot of things, even now," she stated softly. Then she nodded towards the food. "It's been almost a full day since you've eaten; I've made something simple, so-"

"I'm not hungry," I interrupted bluntly, "I just want answers as to what the hell happened last night."

Inoue went pale, as if she were holding her breath. Her hands fumbled stupidly together as she fought to find a reply. "I… I can't give you any answers…" she finally said.

I narrowed my eyes and looked away. "I didn't think you would."

"Do… do you still hate him?"

I sighed. "I don't hate him," I stated. "I only said that to make him stop, to make myself feel better about what was going on. Honestly… I hate myself."

"Why?"

Biting my lower lip, I thought long and hard over my answer. As simple as it was, it was hard to put in into words. "I… even though I saw the changes in him, I never fully opened my eyes to the harsh reality that I might be losing him. But that it was me who was killing him… I couldn't live with myself knowing that he died because of me."

Inoue smiled gently. "Well, he's not dead. That must be of some comfort." She leaned forward to gently pat my head. "Don't worry about it; I live with guilt every day knowing that so many people were hurt and killed in order to save me. But you know what? I also live knowing that everyone who came to my rescue cared, and that they helped out of their own free will."

I raised my brow and stared hard up at her. "What does that have to do with this?" I asked. "Nothing good can come out of this."

"Actually," Inoue began, "everything could go back to normal. That'd be good, right? Just… just know that he still cares, and that he'll do anything to get you back."

As I opened my mouth to question her logic, the phone rang loudly. The girl scrambled to the living room, saying, "I'll be back, Toushirou-kun!"

As I waited, I could hear the girl muttering into the phone. Taking a quick glance to the rice and noodles, I finally realized how hungry I was. It reminded me of the time back at the beach, where I ate a cup of ramen and Ichigo a plate of sushi rolls. How I longed for that moment to happen again and again. Just as I reached over for the bowl of steaming noodles, Inoue came back, a soft smile on her face.

"He's awake, Toushirou-kun. You can go see him now."


	10. Relearn Love

_The explanation everyone's been waiting for! Why has Ichigo's spirit rejected Toushirou? Why has Ichigo blamed the ice captain for why the Hollow appeared? How did everything take a sudden 180 degree turn? Well, find out below!!! (but the story's not done yet!)_

I didn't allow Inoue to walk with me to Urahara's; I didn't even allow for her to walk me to the door. Upon hearing her last words to me, I knew I had to leave now in order to right my wrongs, to change the bad to good. So I just left. Walked with clammy fists stuffed in my pockets, an intense, icy glare at anything that hindered me. I wouldn't be stopped.

I had to see him.

"Kisuke, I'm here. Open the door," I called as I came to a slow, regretful stop at the wooden sliding door. Instead of a tall man with sandy hair and striped green hat, I was looking eye-to-eye with a red haired kid, a defiant smirk on his annoying face.

"Oi, what're you doin' here, shorty?" Jinta asked. "If you're here for merchandise, we're closed. Beat it."

I sighed. "Look kid, I have no time to mess with you; move out of my way."

A red eyebrow raised and black eyes glared up at me. "What'dya say, punk?"

A vein twitched in my neck. "I said… move your ass."

When he didn't move, I closed my eyes and forced myself not to hit him across the face. Instead, I grabbed him roughly by his red hair and pushed him aside. I didn't look back when he loudly objected and threatened to punch me. His words were mere whispers in my head. The shop area was empty, as well as the meeting area where I sat with Urahara only the day before. I was beginning to get annoyed. "Kisuke, are you here or not?" I called into the emptiness.

"Oh, Toushirou-kun. I didn't expect you to be here so soon."

I turned at the voice to see him standing behind me, waving a fan before his face. "Baka, did you expect for me to wait around and do nothing?" I replied in return.

He shrugged. "Maybe. After that fight you two had last night, I couldn't tell what you were going to do next. Honestly, you're throwing me for a bit of a surprise."

My right brow furrowed as my eye twitched. "Where is he?"

The man sighed, folding his fan up and hiding it away in the folds of his sleeve. "Come this way," he said. "But be prepared for a bit of a shock."

I followed him past a couple of open doors into the living area of the shop. In some rooms were experiments he was working on; in others, mini-infirmaries. Upon reaching a closed door, Urahara stopped, looking back to me over his shoulder. "You do know that he tried to kill himself, right?" he asked suddenly.

"Yeah," I muttered, lowering my head. "Inoue told me this morning… what happened?"

"… you told him you hated him. Is that reason enough?"

I glared up at the man. "That's not what I meant, baka. I know what I said; don't say I'm stupid."

Urahara sighed. "If you still have the same feelings for him as you did last night, then I suggest you leave. He's not emotionally stable… not after what you did to him."

Guilt rose in my chest. "I… but…"

"Do you deny it?"

"No. It's just… I'm still confused… exactly _what_ did I do to him?"

The ex-taichou tapped his chin lightly as he looked up in thought. "Well, it's kinda difficult to explain, so I'll try to put it in as small of words as I can. You remember what happened a month ago, right?"

A chill of slight pleasure at the memories ran down my spine. "How could I forget?" I asked.

"Ever since then, you've lowered your guard… your standard. Have you noticed any spirit energy leakage?"

"… no…"

At my response, Urahara grimaced. "That's it, then. Just as your reiatsu was killing your grandmother, now it was killing Kurosaki. You have allowed for some of you reiatsu to leak without you even realizing it. Apparently, the Hollow did, so it was reacting in a manner of self-defense."

I couldn't help but look up at him in disbelief. In shock. In horror. "I… I really did do that, then…" I gasped. "But how? Ichigo's reiatsu is just as powerful, if not more, than my own. How would his not have an effect on me?"

"You were the only one who let it leak out," Urahara responded. "On top of that, I believe that Kurosaki must have lowered his guard as well, making his spirit more susceptible to other powerful reiatsu."

"That must be why Chief-taichou Yamamoto wouldn't allow him into Seireitei… to protect his spirit?"

Urahara nodded. "I suspect so; the chief-taichou is more sensitive to these things than I. He must have known for some time now. As for your nightmares…"

I glanced away, feeling a pang of hurt hitting my chest at the very topic of my nightmares. "What about them? You know why I've been having them so frequently?"

"It's only a hypothesis, but it's the only sound one I can come up with for now. I believe that your nightmares are scenes that Hyourinmaru has been sending you, to warn you of what might happen. I'm not entirely sure if that's the case, but I it isn't, then I don't know what is," was his response.

No words could describe how I felt. Rejection? Not enough. Guilt? Too much of that filled my heart to even call it that. So what could I say? I was hurting the person closest to me for so long without me even knowing it. I had called him the ignorant one, not long ago.

Now… I was a hypocrite of my own words.

"Kisuke… you did say he was awake… right?"

I felt his eyes look down on me, saddened and pained. "Yes, he's awake. He said he wanted to see you."

"Did he say anything else?"

"No… he wouldn't tell me. I think that's for your ears to hear."

I took a timid step forward, gently placing my hand against the sliding door. "This isn't a dream, is it?"

"Iiya," came the reply. "This is reality."

"I have to face it, don't I?"

"Depends. Do you hate him?"

"… I could never…"


	11. Breath

_Probably my most emo/sad chapters of any story I've written. Well, here you go! Just keep checking for updates after this! (crap, that's a spoiler, isn't it? tehehe)_

_You take the breath right out of me_

_You left a hole where my heart should be_

_We've got to fight just to make it through_

_'Cause I will be the death of you..._

I was in for a disturbing shock when I opened the door: there, with gashes across his face and wrapped with bloodied bandages, was Ichigo. God, he looked so tired, in so much pain. His eyes were closed, as if in a deep sleep, but with the injuries he must have had hidden underneath, there was no way he could sleep.

"What the hell happened?" I asked, turning back to Kisuke.

"He…" the man began with hesitation, "he ran after you for a couple of blocks, but I guess he lost sight of you. From what I heard from witnesses, he threw himself in front of a car."

My eyes widened. Ichigo was not one to attempt suicide, let alone step before something that he knew would claim his life; he valued life more than anything, his own at the bottom of the list compared to others. But he still valued it. The only explanation for him trying to kill himself was to kill the Hollow. Still… this was not like him. "How… how fast was it going?"

"Fast enough to break a couple of ribs, crack open the back of his head after impact against solid concrete, and shatter his pelvis; in short, the guy who hit him was evading arrest and took a civilian down with him," came the answer. "I was able to erase the memories of everyone there and bring him here, but not much else can be done. He was conscious enough to refuse Inoue's help, and just as I was about to stop the internal bleeding, he went into a seizure. There's nothing we can do for the brain damage, though."

My stomach twisted into knots. With those injuries… there would be no telling if Ichigo would live. And it was my fault. All of the blame fell on my shoulders. If I had known this would happen, I would have taken every hit.

I knelt down beside him, staring at the pale face with blurred vision. There was no holding back the tears now; how could I have let this happen? Deep down, I didn't want to be here… I didn't want to see him in agony, the pain that I caused. Tears began to trickle down my face and my throat went dry.

"Kisuke…" I mumbled. "Leave us."

There was no smart-ass remark. There was no clamber of clogs swiftly turning and stomping down the hall. There was nothing. When I turned to repeat the command, however, he had already gone, slipped away back to the shop; the door had even been shut.

"I'm so sorry…" I rasped as I turned back to face his unmoving form. "I'm so sorry this happened. If I had known, I would have stayed. I would have…"

His eyes began to open slowly. The usual spark of life was gone; the warmth had withered away from the chocolate orbs. His gaze lazily scanned over to me, his expression unchanging. "Tou…shirou…"

"Shh," I whispered, leaning down and stroking back the velvety orange hair. "Don't speak. I'm here now… I'm here…"

"You… ran away…"

"I know," I replied shakily. "I was angry. If I had known-"

"It wasn't me…" he interrupted weakly. "It wasn't me who tried… to kill you."

I lowered my gaze and looked away as guilt began to set in deeper. How long had I known that it was the Hollow and denied it? Or was that even the right question?

How long had I been doubting him?

"Hey."

His sudden change in tone caught me off guard. I fixed my gaze back on his as he slowly (and painstakingly) reached up to wipe the tears away. A soft smile spread on his pale lips. "Whatever happens," he continued, "I… I want you to know… I don't blame you…"

It felt as if all weight of guilt had lifted off my shoulders. I could only stare back at him in disbelief, in wonder. "W-what?!" I gasped.

"It's not your fault," he stated. "You'd never have left… if I had kept him back.

"But Kisuke told me-"

"I don't care… what Kisuke told you."

"Baka… you're only saying that to make me feel better. You're dying."

"So what if I am? I would've died… for a good cause." His voice had reduced to barely above a whisper.

"Why? Why did you do this to yourself?" I pleaded softly, taking his hand in mine.

I had to lean above his lips to hear his answer:

"Because… I'd be protecting you…"

My eyes widened at his response. Me? He did all this for me? But that meant…

"Ichigo, you can't die on me!" I shouted.

"Then you'd get hurt more… if the Hollow is dead, then he can't hurt you anymore…"

His hand felt so heavy in my grasp; when it fell, I knew I was losing him. I couldn't lose him.

"But you're killing yourself! Ichigo, I… I need you!!"

The cold eyes began to dull; he was fading away from me. "And?" he asked faintly. "I value your safety… over my life…"

I gripped the front of his shirt and shook him lightly. "No! Don't do this to me! I don't care if the Hollow kills me; I want you by my side! You said… you said you'd always before here… to comfort me…"

I broke down into gasping sobs, smothering my face against his chest and letting all the pain that had built up pour out. Already one person closest to me died because of me; I didn't want this to continue on. Maybe I was being selfish by telling him to stay with me. Maybe I had grown too dependent of him.

Or maybe I just wanted someone to love.

"Toushirou… it's okay."

His heavy hand rested on my head, buried beneath the thick white hair. It felt so cold, his hand. It felt like death.

"Don't leave me… please…"

"I'm sorry…" he breathed into my ear, "but this is how it has to be…"

The soft thumping of his chest against my ear went silent. The hand began to slide from my head and landed lifeless on the floor. When I looked up again, his eyes stared back at me with deathly silence.

He was dead.

"Ichigo…" I whispered, reaching up to close his eyes. "Don't… leave me…"

Sitting up took all strength away. I gathered his body in my arms, his head against my chest, and slowly rocked back and forth, stroking his hair. "Ichigo, please… wake up…" I rasped.

I knew he wouldn't wake up. He was dead. And I was the one at fault. Me.

"Ichigo, wake up! Dammit, wake up!"

My shouts came as a surprise to me. I wanted him to hear me, to hear my voice calling for him to come back. However, my shouts never were loud enough.

Eventually Kisuke and Ururu came to my side, the little girl trying to calm me. "Mr. Hitsugaya taichou…" her soft voice pleaded, "let go…"

Kisuke knelt down, his hand on my shoulder. "Taichou, we need you to let go. I'm sorry this has happened, but there's nothing else we can do," he said.

"No! Don't take him away from me!" I shouted back, clinging desperately to Ichigo's limp form. "I need him back… please, wake him up!"

"Taichou…"

I felt the man begin to pull me away, loosening my grasp. "No… No. No! Don't do this, please! Come back! Ichigo, please come back!" I thrashed against Kisuke's hold, trying to get away. Trying to get back to Ichigo. But I could only watch him begin to fade away from me. "Ichigo! Don't leave me! Please, come back! ICHIGO!!!"


	12. Love Addict

"No! Ichigo, come back! ICHIGO!!!"

I kicked out against Kisuke, balling up my fists and striking out with as much strength I had left. But even Kisuke's form began to fade away, and his grip was no longer present. When strong hands gripped my wrists and forced my arms to my sides, I yelled louder and wriggled madly against my restraints. "Let go of me!"

"Toushirou, calm down! You're having a nightmare!"

"Let go! I need him… I need him back!"

"TOUSHIROU!!!"

The sudden harshness of the voice shook me awake and then all went still. Ichigo was staring down at me, his eyes full of worry. The cuts and scrapes on his face were gone, and the dullness had gone from his eyes.

He was alive.

"Ichigo… you're okay," I half-sighed, half-choked.

His brow raised quizically. "Of course I'm okay; the question is are you?"

He released my hands and sat up, giving me open invitation to leap up from where I lay and nearly choke him in a tight hug. "I thought I lost you," I whispered into his ear.

I felt his shoulders shake as he chuckled. "What do you mean? I'll always be here for you; I'll never leave," I heard him say.

I pulled away, staring intently into his eyes. "But… what about the Hollow and the car? Ichigo, you fuckin' died!"

"Oh, I see now," he said after a moment of awkward silence. "You were having a dream about me dying. That's… wonderful?"

"No, it was too real to be a dream," I rasped.

He smiled down at me before saying, "Toushirou, calm down. I'm right here." As he said this, he placed his hand against my chest, against the rapid beating of my heard. "Nothing is going to happen to me, I promise."

I sighed, suddenly feeling all despair and pain leaving me. Everything was okay. My eyes began to tear up, not from grief, but rather… from relief.

"Hey, you okay? Don't cry," Ichigo whispered softly, stroking back the white hair that had matted down with sweat. "I'll always be here for you."

"Promise me," I gasped. "Promise me you won't do anything stupid just for me. Promise me that you'll always be here."

For his answer, Ichigo leaned forward and lightly pressed his lips against mine, a seal to his promise. When he pulled away, I reached out to draw him closer.

"Hold me," I begged.


End file.
